For breakfast I like my coffee warm and cozy and my eggs funny side up.
I admit it: in school I was an underachiever and it was so easy to do.
If I used a higher percentage of my brain I wouldn’t have had to ride on the short bus.
I grew up around some great philosophers: they were coal miners and cowboys born in the 1920s. They were also vets of World War II. Listen to your elders, there isn’t any better wisdom for you.
There’s a fine line between deserving and “just desserts.”
I would never appear on any television show that would have me for a guest.
Lunar Eclipse. Doesn’t that sound like a car you can only drive in the dark?
It’s amazing that people actually get paid for what I’m doing on here for free.
I heard they were experimenting with underwater matches but they had to quit after three smokers drowned.
I have my welcome mat turned around backwards so when people leave they think they’re going to a better place.
You can’t put a price on fun; it’s always priceless
I’m afraid to see a psychiatrist about the voices in my head. She might know who they are.
The voices in my head that tell the other voices what to do are mean.
I was in a department store and the clerk came up to me and said, “Do you want to lie on the couch?” I said, “You don’t have a clipboard...”
If I could outrun the Angel of Death I’d probably die from lack of breath.
The wee little people that live in my head won’t let Gulliver go.
Because of Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and StumbleUpon, the home shopping network is probably losing millions of dollars.
In the beginning the poets and philosophers taught the world to see. Then after that any form of education was no longer free.
What most people call talent is my way to vent, and if I’m not discovered it will never pay the rent.
Balding is nature’s way of getting rid of your third eye’s unibrow.
Be-lieve, Be- like, Be- LIFE!